I really hope I can do it
‘Cause they’re all depending on me
I know that I must leave the only home I’ve ever known
And brave the dangers of the forest
Saving them before they’re eaten
I mean, how hard can that be?
“Get Back Up Again” by Anna Kendrick (Trolls Soundtrack)
IMAGE CREDIT: Google Images / Dreamworks
Is it true? That LinkedIn had a positive troll lurking in the shadows?
Mm-Hmm. It’s true. He exists.
What happened to him?
I guess he just got tired of trolling.
Oh, heck yeah. I heard he was averaging 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
Yes way, dude! You want me to tell you his story?
Sure, bro. Just tell it.
You see. One day he was just checking to see if he wanted to update his LinkedIn profile. Then, he realized that it’s not the LinkedIn that he was accustomed to.
What was he accustomed to?
Dude! You gotta shut up. Lemme finish my story, a’ight?!
Okay. Okay. Geez!
So…I was saying. He was setting-up his WordPress blog. He wanted to have a synergistic approach to his writing. You know? Post articles on LinkedIn and blog posts on his website. That kind of deal. Then, he noticed that LinkedIn users were so very active.
Active? Like what? What you mean?
Before LinkedIn was just this Social Media platform that you type in your “C-V” and expect recruiters to call you. Something like that.
He noticed that there was engaging content on LinkedIn. He was buggin’, yo. Like, you know, he couldn’t believe what was happening. It’s like a paradigm shift or whatnot.
Yeah, bro. Like pivoting.
You mean, like basketball, when you stop dribbling the ball then you shift your stance. Like that?
Mm-Hmm. Exactly. Yo. Peep this. He was seeing videos, bro. Like engaging videos. First, he noticed this green-haired Asian lady.
Dude! Don’t say that. That’s racist!
No, bro. She does have green hair. I’m not racist. And stop interrupting me. You messin’ with my flow. Like I was saying. He started trolling her. Like mad trolling. He noticed that she mentioned this guy “Q” all the time on her posts and when she comments. So he started watching “Q’s” videos and you’d never believe this, bro. He was engaged.
I thought he was married with 3 kids.
No dum-dum. Engaged. Like he was mesmerized. He was shocked to see how real this dude was. He was like spitting the truth like “Pac.” He was mad tight, bro. Like for real. And check this. He’s from Milwaukee.
Where J-Kidd is?
Yo, you didn’t hear? He got fired. So sad, yo. Then, he started to study other users. He noticed a different style of posting on LinkedIn. He was seeing a pattern but wasn’t sure what was happening, you feel me? He started reaching out to peeps, and he hooked up with this dude and told him to join this thing where you post stuff every day for 30 days.
Did he do it?
Yeah, bro. I heard him saying, “This is amazing, these people know what they’re doing. I think I’m gonna do it, too.” So he did.
Did he keep doin’ it?
Nah. He got this message from the dude that was trying to help him and told him to not keep tagging him. That devastated him, yo. He thought he had friends, then, BOOM! They don’t wanna engage with him. He was bummed out. Then, he started askin’ for advice and there was this one dude that schooled him on the art of beating the algorithm. He posted this corny meme of that cute Game of Thrones character, you know who I’m talkin’ ’bout, right? “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
Oh, her. I like the Queen of the Dragons.
Whatever “Imp!” Anyway. He realized that tagging other users was key. But not just tagging randos, you gotta tag those who got mad skills to offer. The ones who matter in LinkedIn. The clique that runs the show, you know? They got pull. And if you hook-up with ’em, you’re in.
Did he get in?
Yup. Sure did. He started watching a lot of videos about people getting emotional and stuff. And these people are sharing everything, dude. Like for real. LinkedIn got some REAL DRAMA, yo. Better than Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad. Those shows are fakey fake people. Made up. Fiction. The people on LinkedIn. They were spilling their guts out. There was this woman who shared everything. He cried after watching her video. He felt really bad for her.
What did he do?
What else could he do, man. He tried to comfort her by saying nice things to her, man. You know. Dude cried, and it wasn’t even his problem. It was someone else’s problem. Then after posting a caring message in the comment section, the woman liked it and made a nice comment. That made his day.
What else, bro?
He started engaging with different LinkedIn users and they were giving mad love to each other, back and forth. His notifications was lit, you feel me? Homeboy got addicted to that “Ding, ding, ding!” That was his crack. He was feenin’ for that good ole fashioned, “Thanks for the love!” He was hooked. Then, one day someone got him to do a hashtag campaign.
Did he do it?
Yeah, man. He was nervous as heck. He was sweatin’ and his body was shakin. You know him, he gotta write a script about it. But homeboy freestyled it. He don’t really feel comfortable filming himself, you know? He be like, “But, I’m a writer. I write.” You know, what I mean, some corny line like that. You know what, though? He got mad love from that video.
Did he do another video?
Dude! I believe he did 4 or 5.
Four or five?
Five, I think. Know what, though, bro? The last video. Homeboy just lost it.
What you mean?
He uploaded an open letter, video, to LinkedIn’s big boss. You don’t do that kinda stuff. That’s like touching the King’s crown, you know? That bothered him all day, man. The darn video was eating him alive, bro.
Did he delete it?
Yeah. I believe he got tired of thinking that he was somebody, you know? All these Internet Family of his. They somebody in their niche. Their industry. They big baller, you feel me? He a starving artist.
Like Vincent van Gogh?
Nah, bro. That dude paints. Our homie, he writes. That’s his thing. He deleted all his posts from that 30-day thing, all his videos.
Aw, for real?
For sure, bro. He felt really bad about deleting everything. I heard he said that he kinda feels like a “Black Mirror” episode or sumthin’. Whatever that means.
Dude! You don’t Netflix?
I do, man. I ain’t into that kinda tech-related Drama British stuff, man. I mean. I dig Game of Thrones and Idris Elba’s show, you know, that thing where he’s a detective. Mad respect for that guy, bro. He crushing it.
What happened to the “Positive Troll” then? Where is he?
I heard he gonna be K.D.
K.D.? What’s that?
I heard he said, “You do you, I do me.” And the last thing he said to me was, “Tell my Internet Family that I’m not trolling anymore, I will miss you. So don’t be strangers. We could at least message each other.” Some corny line like that.
Aww. That’s sweet.
Yeah. I don’t really wanna admit it. But that dude, he too soft. He like cotton candy, man. Every time I hear him speak he gives me a TOOTHACHE.